'Tis true. I've got a monkey on my back, and his name is Mark Burnett.
Here's how my week's looking:
Monday, I sat through two hours of The Bachelor's selection process -- this installment involving Jerry O'Connell's scumbag brother and 25 women who, at first glance, all appear to be complete lunatics. In other words, this one is going to be GREAT. Especially after Chris Harrison told the ladies: "The first rule of The Bachelor is that THERE ARE NO RULES." Or something like that.
Last night came three more hours of great editing and cheesy stock music. First was American Idol. After watching Paula slur her way through yet another incoherent round of judges' comments (My favourite was when she was all: "Randeeee....youknow, we'vebeentogepher foralongtieghhh..." as she slumped over the table -- what is this woman on, and where can I get it?) and cringing as Constantine Maroulis tried yet again to get me to Drink the Purple Kool-Aid (I'm not gonna do it, buddy, no matter how badly you molest me with your eyes), I ATTEMPTED TO VOTE for Nikko Smith for, like, half and hour. Apparently, even though my birth certificate says otherwise, I am actually 14 years old.
Then, I was treated to two hours of my all-time favourtite, The Amazing Race. I must say that last night's episode set new standards for Awesomeness. Meredith and Gretchen transformed from your standard-issue elderly AR team into the Coolest Geriatrics in the Land, and those damned adorable bothers Brian and Greg almost gave me a heart attack at the end there. I don't think I've screamed at the TV so much since Jerri Manthey got voted off Survivor. (I don't like Jerri Manthey.) I also decided last night that Rob is not so much an evil genius as he is a Giant, Conscience-Free Meathead. I hate him now, and Amber too. If those two jackasses use the phrase "Guardian Angels" one more time, I will lose my shit.
Yesterday's episode was a big Evil Rob showcase. Look, Rob doesn't want to give the old people any money! And LOOK, he DIDN'T EVEN STOP to see if Brian and Greg and Cameraman (does this guy have a name?) were OK! AND LOOK!!! HE DOESN'T EVEN FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!! He is Evil, definitely. And in case we weren't sure, the AR folks threw in plenty of slow-motion Satanic Rob shots (complete with doomsday notes) for good measure. Loves it.
You would think that I would be spent after all this realilty action. But wait! There's more! Because tonight I have, have, HAVE to see America's Next Top Model. The Lesbian Wrestler gets a flesh-eating virus! (It's probably excema, but THAT wouldn't have made the preview very exciting.) And of course, there's the American Idol results show, and I can't miss that. I hope America will put poor Anthony Federov and his Trach Hole (sorry, but I can't stop staring at it) out of his misery. Goddamn it!
Thursday, there's Survivor, of course, and I can't WAIT to see what happens with Awesome Stephanie and the Ulong Parade of Losers. And then I have to watch The Apprentice. Will Bren comb his hair? Will Kendra get a personality? Will Chris quit chewing tobacco in front of children? I'll have to tune in and find out! Because it's all Oh-So-Important, you see. THEN, if I haven't had enough, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is on. Which...yeah, can't miss that, either.
Friday and Saturday, I take off. But in my downtime, I do spend an awful lot of time reading the 20-page recaps of the shows I'VE ALREADY SEEN on Television Without Pity. As you can see, I have a problem. And I don't know how to tear myself away.
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